At the insistence of my good friend Ashley, I decided to give this online thing dating a try. And although through it, you could get a date every night if you put in the effort, I am looking for quality, not quantity. I think (and it has been confirmed) that guys use online dating as a means of getting laid just by buying you a drink. I went on a date with a guy who told me that he was on the site because he heard the girls were easy (red flag). I have had zero luck (I recently tried Match and Plenty of Fish) and feel that this medium of meeting guys could be worse than meeting a guy in a bar. Most of these sites take a lot of time and effort. I did meet a guy almost 5 years ago on eharmony and we even lived together, but I think that was before the lazy man entered the scene. At least I will have some good stories to tell.
And now for my Top 10 ways to not get a date with me online.
1. Lie about your age and post pictures that are 15 years old: If we do eventually meet, I will find out what you really do look like, that you are 10 years older and 5 inches shorter than what you said on your profile. I won't overlook the false impression or blatant lie because I think you have a “great personality.” No, you tried to dupe me and that won’t save you.
2. Online catcall. It doesn’t work in person so what makes you think it will work online? I don’t think I’ve ever heard one of my girl friends say that the way she met her current boyfriend was that he yelled “hey, your hot!” as she walked by and after hearing that she knew he was the one.
3. Check "yes" in the "do you do drugs" box. That is great that you are being honest and all, and thank you for that, you saved me the hassle of meeting you and then finding out further on down the road, but it doesn't quite fit into my "lifestyle."
4. Tell someone who has made the statement “I love baseball and beer” that you hate baseball and beer, I mean why even bother. Clearly we don’t have a lot in common so why even bother telling me? I will call you unamerican and a communist and then make fun of you for being lame, just not to your online face, but in my head.
5. If you're “married but looking for a relationship” then maybe you should be online looking for a divorce attorney rather than a date. Get your issues in order.
6. Use proper grammer and not stupid spellings. You have to make a good first impression and if we are on the fence with your far away picture showing that you are well traveled, give me something to read that may actually make me think that you aren't so bad. Don’t send me this:
"Hay how are u doing ?I just happened to be browsing on through profilez when I came upon yurz and I liked it very much and u are one very beautiful woman so if u are down to actually being friendz and kick it and call each other off of here with a real man not no A hole or bad boi plz write me back A.S.A.P"
Also, the cut and paste email that shows me you didn't read my profile at all and is so generic that I can tell that you clearly have emailed it to every girl's profile that you've clicked on and you will not get an email back. On the basis that you are lame. And not cute. And short.
7. If we do set a date, be assured that I'm going to be 10 minutes late. Why? I just am, I don't need a reason. You, however, should be on time and not make me wait 30 minutes for you at a crowded bar, looking like an idiot. Heck, I just may talk to that cute guy at the other end of the bar.
8. Post good pictures. Not pictures of you holding guns, looking completely wasted, or posing next to any of the following: hot girls with big boobs, dead animals that you killed (excluding fish), a mobile home or trailer park, or 18 drinks. Also, that's cool that you've been to the
9. Read my profile because I will read yours. I spent time to write that stuff and it tells you about me, so if you think I'm cute and you want to write to me, just read it. If I post a picture with the World Series trophy and I say in my profile “I got to go to the family night and take a picture with the world series trophy” don’t ask me “hey, how’d you get a picture with the trophy?” duh.
10. Don’t tell me to bring a bathing suit on our date so we can take a bubble bath and no, I will not go to your apartment so you can cook me dinner on our second date. Although the thought may be nice, I have standards. I am not easy and I will not sleep with you on our first, second or third date.
And this just tops the cake:
“I'd lasso the moon and pull it down for you... But you already have the World Series trophy! How in the hell did you get a picture with it?
Marry me? ; p”